


The John Egbert Parable

by samspoops



Category: Homestuck, The Stanley Parable
Genre: Crack Crossover, Creepy, Creepy Fluff, Crossover, Gen, Karkat gets creepy, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-22
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2018-02-05 17:21:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1826161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samspoops/pseuds/samspoops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the story of a young man named John Egbert.  He has spent his whole life pushing buttons, and he is happy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**== >Be John Egbert**

THIS IS THE STORY OF A YOUNG MAN NAMED JOHN EGBERT. THAT’S YOU. 

John, sitting in a boring office at a desk with a computer on it, was enjoying his job, as always. JOHN EGBERT SPENT LITERALLY HIS WHOLE DAY, EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE, PUSHING BUTTONS AND FOLLOWING ORDERS. HE WOULD SIT AT A COMPUTER SCREEN AND PUSH THE BUTTONS HE WAS TOLD TO PUSH. HE DID ALL THIS IN HIS OFFICE, ROOM 427. AND EGBERT WAS HAPPY. 

John Egbert’s smile grew wider as he contemplated his job further. Wow, he had a job that didn’t require too much thought--it required none at all, to be exact!--and he was happy with it! He was so glad that he had time to think about those things! 

THEN, ONE DAY, ALL OF JOHN EGBERT’S COWORKERS JUST VANISHED. NO ONE STOPPED TO TELL HIM ABOUT ANY MEETINGS, OR SEND HIM COMMANDS ON HIS COMPUTER, OR TO EVEN SAY HI. THIS WORRIED HIM GREATLY, SO HE DECIDED TO GO INVESTIGATE. 

Oh no! John was a little distressed, realizing that no one but him was here, but then thought that they might be throwing a surprise birthday party and realized how wonderful it would be to walk in on a dark room to hear “SURPRISE!” as the lights turned on and confetti filled the air...but oh man he hoped the cake wouldn’t be Betty Crocker… 

John got out of his chair and headed to the door of his office. He peered out and saw that all the cubicles were empty. Spooked, he backed back into his office and closed the door, saying, “I don’t think I’m ready. It’s too spooky.” 

Sarcastically, JOHN EGBERT WAS A LITTLE RELUCTANT, AND FIGURED THAT HE’D BE RIDICULOUS TO SEARCH DURING WORK HOURS. WHAT IF HIS BOSS FOUND HIM?? HE COULD BE FIRED, AND IN SUCH AN ECONOMY, THAT WOULD BE A DEATH SENTENCE! SO, HE JUST SAT AT HIS COMPUTER...WAITING FOR A COMMAND. 

**== >Reluctance: Restart**

**THEENDISNEVERTHEENDISNEVERTHEENDISLOADING...NEVERTHEEND**

**== >Be John Egbert**

THIS IS THE STORY OF A YOUNG MAN NAMED JOHN EGBERT. THAT’S YOU. 

John, sitting in a boring office at a desk with a computer on it, was enjoying his job, as always. JOHN EGBERT SPENT LITERALLY HIS WHOLE DAY, EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE, PUSHING BUTTONS AND FOLLOWING ORDERS. HE WOULD SIT AT A COMPUTER SCREEN AND PUSH THE BUTTONS HE WAS TOLD TO PUSH. HE DID ALL THIS IN HIS OFFICE, ROOM 427. AND EGBERT WAS HAPPY. 

John Egbert’s smile grew wider as he contemplated his job further. Wow, he had a job that didn’t require too much thought--it required none at all, to be exact!--and he was happy with it! He was so glad that he had time to think about those things! 

THEN, ONE DAY, ALL OF JOHN EGBERT’S COWORKERS JUST VANISHED. NO ONE STOPPED TO TELL HIM ABOUT ANY MEETINGS, OR SEND HIM COMMANDS ON HIS COMPUTER, OR TO EVEN SAY HI. THIS WORRIED HIM GREATLY, SO HE DECIDED TO GO INVESTIGATE. 

Oh no! John was a little distressed, realizing that no one but him was here, but then thought that they might be throwing a surprise birthday party and realized how wonderful it would be to walk in on a dark room to hear “SURPRISE!” as the lights turned on and confetti filled the air...but oh man he hoped the cake wouldn’t be Betty Crocker… 

John got out of his chair and headed to the door of his office. He peered out and saw that all the cubicles were empty. How uncharacteristic of his coworkers! He left his office, the door closing behind him, and he stopped at employee 403’s door. Normally, employee 403’s door was open. John jiggled the doorknob five times, which led to OH, YOU’RE GOING FOR THAT ACHIEVEMENT, AREN’T YOU? WHAT, YOU’D GET A LOUSY ACHIEVEMENT??? BY JIGGLING A LOCKED DOOR FIVE TIMES??? NO, YOU’VE GOT TO WORK FOR IT, EGBERT! GO STAND ON EMPLOYEE 429’S DESK! 

Compelled to stand on employee 429’s desk, John moved over to the cubicle nearest to the window and stood on it. 

THAT’S NOT ALL! GO TURN ON THE COPY MACHINE! 

By some unknown force, John was again compelled, but to turn on the copy machine. He hopped off of the desk, dismayed to see footprints left on there from his oddly dirty shoes, and went over to the copy machine. He turned it on. 

THAT’S STILL NOT WORTH IT! GO TO 409’S DOOR AND JIGGLE THE DOORKNOB TEN TIMES! 

John went down the hallway and to 409’s door and jiggled the doorknob ten times. 

OH I’M GETTING EXCITED!!! ISN’T IT THRILLING, EGBERT??? NOW, GO BACK TO 403’S DOOR AND DO THE SAME THING! 

John, oddly gleefully, went back to 403 and jiggled the doorknob ten times. 

BACK TO THE COPY MACHINE! 

John turned off the copy machine. 

GO TO 425’S DOOR AND JIGGLE THE DOORKNOB FIVE TIMES! DO IT, EGBERT! GO! 

John ran down the hallway excitedly, not knowing why he was so excited, and jiggled 425’s doorknob five times. 

YES EGBERT! OH MY JEBUS THIS IS GREAT!! OKAY, NOW GO STAND ON 429’S DESK AGAIN!! I AM EXCITED, EGBERT, AND I FEEL THE ACHIEVEMENT HEADING AT US STRAIGHT ON! 

John raced back to 429’s desk and stood on it. YES EGBERT YES! YOU’VE FUCKING DONE IT! YOU WON AN ACHIEVEMENT! WOW! JEBUS! THAT WAS GOOD! OKAY, NOW JOHN DECIDED TO GO BACK TO HIS SEARCH FOR HIS COWORKERS. MAYBE THEY WERE IN THE MEETING ROOM, HAVING A MEETING WITHOUT HIM? 

Now, having finished his random acts of foolishness and feeling oddly triumphant, John headed to the meeting room. Maybe they were in the meeting room, having a meeting without him? 

He went down the hallway, taking every turn. JOHN KNEW THE OFFICE LAYOUT LIKE THE BACK OF HIS HAND. IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL HE FOUND HIS COWORKERS. 

John came upon two open doors. WHEN EGBERT CAME TO A ROOM WITH TWO OPEN DOORS, HE ENTERED THE DOOR ON HIS LEFT. 

Oddly compelled again, John entered the door on his left. Down the hallway, he came upon the meeting room, and he found it empty. THIS COULDN’T BE RIGHT. EGBERT KNEW THAT IF HIS COWORKERS WOULD BE ANYWHERE, IT WOULD BE HERE. HE DECIDED TO HEAD UPSTAIRS TO HIS BOSS’S OFFICE. 

Looking at the powerpoint presentation on the wall, he grabbed the remote control and began to flip through the slides. They gave helpful pointers on how to settle disputes among coworkers, such as; letting it ball up inside you, taking it out passive-aggressively on coworkers, getting upset that the coworkers don’t support you as often, then repeating the process. How helpful! 

He flipped through the slides, which had charts, pies--not the kind you ate!--graphs, and tips on how to create a successful powerpoint. 

EGBERT KNEW VERY WELL THAT HE NEEDED TO SEARCH FOR HIS COWORKERS, BUT HE DECIDED TO FUCK AROUND IN HERE LIKE AN IDIOT, NOT CARING ABOUT ANY POTENTIAL IMMEDIATE DANGER THAT AROSE FROM NOT ALERTING HIS BOSS TO THE MASS DISAPPEARANCE!! 

John felt a little angry at himself for looking through the slides, but didn’t know why. He went toward the exit of the room to go find his boss and alert her of the mass disappearance, but then got distracted by the white board. Memos were written there, a large one being, “Please Get Dave Out Of The Broom Closet.” One underneath it had written, “mAYBE WE SHOULD ALSO, uMM, cHECK WHAT HAPPENED TO EMPLOYEE 408, sHE HASN’T BEEN AROUND IN A WHILE, i AM CONCERNED,” and one underneath that “Shh,8e quiet,no one cares!!!!!!!! >::::)” and another underneath that “stop. we are wa2tiing the marker2. you guy2 wriite two much.” 

FOR NO GOOD REASON WHAT-SO-EVER, JOHN WAS JUST MILLING ABOUT IN THE MEETING ROOM. MAYBE HE WAS ENJOYING THE AIR CONDITIONING, OR MAYBE HE WAS JUST BEING A FUCKING IDIOT. 

Feeling a little disdain for himself for no evident reason, John left the meeting room. He went down the hallway and saw the broom closet, opening it and stepping in. 

EGBERT STEPPED INTO THE BROOM CLOSET, AND WHEN HE SAW THAT THERE WAS NOTHING THERE, HE TURNED AND LEFT, HEADING FOR HIS BOSS’S OFFICE. 

John felt an urge to leave, but closed the door behind himself and sat down. It was cozy in the closet. It was the right temperature, the light bulb was just bright, and no one would know he was in there. THERE WAS NOTHING TO DO HERE. NO PATH TO TAKE, NO TRAIL TO FOLLOW, NO DOORS TO OPEN, BECAUSE IT WAS JUST AN EMPTY BROOM CLOSET, WASTING EVERYBODY’S TIME. 

John really liked the closet. He understood why Dave would be in there, but also knew why his fellow coworkers would try to get him out. When you’re out of the broom closet, you are free. 

EGBERT REALIZED THAT THE BROOM CLOSET WAS A WASTE OF TIME. THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! TO! DO! NOTHING TO ADMIRE, NOTHING John really liked the paneling on the roof TO ADMIRE WHATSOEVER. IT WAS BORING the broom, which was clearly so renowned to have named a whole closet after itself, was sitting in the corner, had a few frayed plastic ends on it that showed wear and tear, proving a life of good use AND UNEVENTFUL, IT WAS ENTIRELY FUCKING UNEVENTFUL, AND EGBERT WAS EAGER TO GET OUT OF THERE. 

Still, John Egbert felt cozy, and he OKAY THAT’S IT YOU SICK FUCK I’M RESTARTING THE 

**== >The Broom Closet: Restart **

**THEENDISNEVERTHEENDISNEVERTHEENDISLOADING...NEVERTHEEND**


	2. Chapter 2

**== >Be John Egbert**

THIS IS THE STORY OF A YOUNG MAN NAMED JOHN EGBERT. THAT’S YOU. 

John, sitting in a boring office at a desk with a computer on it, was enjoying his job, as always. JOHN EGBERT SPENT LITERALLY HIS WHOLE DAY, EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE, PUSHING BUTTONS AND FOLLOWING ORDERS. HE WOULD SIT AT A COMPUTER SCREEN AND PUSH THE BUTTONS HE WAS TOLD TO PUSH. HE DID ALL THIS IN HIS OFFICE, ROOM 427. AND EGBERT WAS HAPPY. 

John Egbert’s smile grew wider as he contemplated his job further. Wow, he had a job that didn’t require too much thought--it required none at all, to be exact!--and he was happy with it! He was so glad that he had time to think about those things! 

THEN, ONE DAY, ALL OF JOHN EGBERT’S COWORKERS JUST VANISHED. NO ONE STOPPED TO TELL HIM ABOUT ANY MEETINGS, OR SEND HIM COMMANDS ON HIS COMPUTER, OR TO EVEN SAY HI. THIS WORRIED HIM GREATLY, SO HE DECIDED TO GO INVESTIGATE. 

Oh no! John was a little distressed, realizing that no one but him was here, but then thought that they might be throwing a surprise birthday party and realized how wonderful it would be to walk in on a dark room to hear “SURPRISE!” as the lights turned on and confetti filled the air...but oh man he hoped the cake wouldn’t be Betty Crocker… 

John got out of his chair and headed to the door of his office. He peered out and saw that all the cubicles were empty. That wasn’t right--he had to go find his coworkers and get them back to doing their jobs, then he could do his! 

He left his office and ran down the hallway. EGBERT KNEW THE OFFICE LIKE THE BACK OF HIS HAND. IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL HE John ran toward the room of two open doors WHEN EGBERT CAME TO A ROOM OF John ran through the door on the left THE MEETING ROOM WAS SURE TO BE John ran through the empty meeting room EGBERT DECIDED TO GO UP John ran upstairs to his boss’s office. As he headed to the boss’s door, it opened on it’s own HERE YOU GO THE DOOR IS FUCKING OPEN JUST GO and a secret passageway opened up in the wall, which John ran through WHAT WAS THIS ROOM EGBERT John ran over the catwalk and pressed the button that turned on the lights, he climbed over the shut gate, ran down the next catwalk, repeated this process a couple times with different functioning buttons, OH SO EGBERT IS SO GOOD ON HIS OWN THAT HE DOESN’T NEED ME TO TELL HIM WHAT TO DO OKAY John pressed the “off” button that shut everything down, the wall to his left sank into the ground, John left through it, and into the trees, unable to hear OH LOOK IT IS SOOOOOOO FUCKING BREATHTAKING AND LOVELY I HATE YOU EGBERT GO BE FREE I WILL 

**== >Speed Walk**

**THEENDISNEVERTHEENDISNEVERTHEENDISLOADING...NEVERTHEEND**


	3. Chapter 3

**== >Skip the constantly repeated beginning**

John Egbert entered his boss’s office, approaching the desk that she usually sat at. On it was a picture of her with employee 356. Boss Lalonde and Employee Maryam...oh yeah, they were engaged! He’d nearly forgotten about that. 

SEEING THAT HIS MANAGER WAS AWAY, EGBERT LOOKED FRANTICALLY AROUND FOR CLUES. HE DID NOT KNOW THAT THE KEY PAD BEHIND THE DESK HELD THE ANSWERS TO MANY OF HIS QUESTIONS, AND THAT THE CODE WAS 2875. 

For some reason, John was filled with the urge to type 2875 into the keypad behind the desk. It worked, and the fireplace sunk into the ground and revealed a passageway. John went in and found an elevator with only one button--down. He pressed it. 

SINCE EGBERT WAS SO ACCUSTOMED TO PUSHING BUTTONS, THIS WAS NOTHING DIFFERENT. BUT SOMETHING STIRRED IN HIS CHEST, AND HE WONDERED WHY HE FELT THAT WAY--WHY HE HAD BEGUN TO QUESTION HIS BUTTON-PRESSING JOB. 

**LOADINGLOADINGLOADINGLOADINGLOADING...LOADINGLOADING**

The elevator got to the bottom, and John exited. The elevator died behind him, throwing sparks. EGBERT WENT STRAIGHT DOWN THE HALLWAY, THROUGH THE LARGE DOOR THAT SAID “MIND CONTROL FACILITY” IN BIG FUCKING LETTERS. THERE WAS NO WAY HE COULD MISS IT, NOT EVEN IF HE WAS THICK SKULLED AND STUPID, WHICH ARE ALL THE REQUIREMENTS TO BUTTON PRESSING. 

As John went down the hallway, he noticed a side route that had “escape” written in red spray paint. Turning, he went down that path and ALTHOUGH THIS PATH HAD ESCAPE WRITTEN ON IT, THE “ESCAPE” WAS A WHOLE LOT FUCKING SMALLER THAN “MIND CONTROL FACILITY” AND WAS CLEARLY NOT AS IMPORTANT SINCE ITS LETTERS WERE SMALLER! THE REASON WHY WAS BECAUSE, INSTEAD OF LEADING EGBERT TO AN ESCAPE, IT WOULD LEAD TO HIS VIOLENT DEATH! I GUESS THAT COUNTS AS AN ESCAPE, BUT IT’S A FUCKING STUPID ONE! 

THE DOOR BEHIND EGBERT WAS NOT SHUT OR LOCKED! HE WAS FULLY ABLE TO TURN BACK IF HE WANTED John strolled down the hallway, confidently headed to what was surely the exit. Why would he want to enter a place that sounded as menacing as “Mind Control Facility,” anyway? “Escape” was a lot less foreboding BY THIS TIME, EGBERT WAS MAKING A CONSCIOUS DECISION TO WALK FORWARD TOWARD HIS VERY FUCKING VIOLENT DEATH! 

John saw a square opening in the floor ahead, and he peered into it as he got closer. A red light could be seen, and he hopped in 

**LOADINGLOADINGLOADINGLOADINGLOADING...LOADINGLOADING**

Hurdling down the narrow passage, John was abducted by gravity and thrown into a cage-like chair that grasped onto him and locked him in place. He was on a bit of a conveyor belt that inched forward toward two large crushing mechanisms that would definitely crush him between them. 

THE MACHINE WHIRRED TO LIFE, SCOOTING EGBERT CLOSER AND CLOSER TO HIS DEMISE EVERY TWO SECONDS, WHICH MEANT THAT IT WAS DOING ITS JOB. EGBERT HAD A FEW MOMENTS TO SPARE TO REFLECT, AND INSTEAD OF REFLECTING ON WHY SUCH A THING EXISTED, HE REFLECTED ON THE FACT THAT HE AMOUNTED TO NOTHING, THAT HE WAS A FAILURE, AND THAT HIS DEMISE WOULD CHANGE NOTHING IN THE WORLD, WHICH WAS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING TRUE. 

John squirmed around in the clasp of the chair, struggling to break free. The large jaws were getting closer as he was inched toward them, and he was helpless to free himself. Tears began to sting in his eyes, AND EGBERT RESIGNED HIMSELF TO HIS DEATH AND ACCEPTED IT PEACEFULLY John’s chair stopped between the jaws GOOD RIDDANCE EG the machine froze an inch away from crushing John. 

“GOOD R1DD4NC3 3GB3RT,” SHOUT3D K4RK4T, D3NY1NG TH3 CH4NC3 TO PROF3SS H1S LOV3 TO 3GB3RT 4S TH3 G14NT M3T4L J4WS CRUSH3D 3GB3RT. 1N ON3 BLOODY, N4STY S3COND, 3GB3RT W4S SMOOSH3D! H3 D13D QU1CKLY, BUT 1T W4SN’T 4T 4LL PR3TTY!! 

The seat let John go, dropping him a few feet below onto a metal catwalk. He gasped, looking around in the darkness. Behind him, a door was open, light pouring in. He turned and headed to it, feet clanking on the catwalk. As he passed through the doorway, he could see, in big, white letters, illuminating light from the darkness, were the words “The John Egbert Parable” floating high in the air. 

BUT, NO ON3 KN3W TH4T 4FT3R H1S D34TH, 3GB3RT COULD JUST R3ST4RT TH3 G4M3, FROM TH3 B3G1NN1NG. NO, TH4T W4S 4 L13, 1 KN3W!! 1N DO1NG SO, THOUGH, 3GB3RT WOULD B3 S3NT3NC1NG H1MS3LF 4ND K4RK4T TO 1NF1N1T3 R3L1V1NG TH3 S4M3 MOM3NTS, 4ND ONLY 1 4M 4LLOW3D TO DO TH4T! 

John walked through another door that led into an almost impossibly white building, appearing to be a museum. Where was he, how did he get here, and wasn’t he supposed to be dead? What changed? 

WH4T D1D TH4T 1D1OT K4RK4T TH1NK WOULD H4PP3N?? NOTH1NG 1S 4CCOMPL1SH3D, 3V3RYTH1NG R3P34T1NG 3V3RYT1M3 TH3 G4M3 1S WON OR LOST...WH1CH M34NS H1S S3NS3L3SS K1LL1NG OF YOU W1LL B3 US3L3SS, L1F3 M34N1NGL3SS...WH1CH 1S 4LL W3LL 4ND GOOD BUT 1T’S 4NNOY1NG S331NG H4H4H4H4 1 C4N’T S33, 1’M BL1ND, YOU GUYS DO1NG TH3 S4M3 TH1NGS OV3R 4ND OV3R… 

John explored this museum, seeing the layout of his office, his desk, his computer monitor, a few familiar doorknobs, feeling an uncalled for sense of dread coming over him B3C4US3 TH3Y N33D ON3 4NOTH3R. 3GB3RT 4ND K4RK4T TRY SO H4RD TO K1LL ON3 4NOTH3R, TO CONTROL ON3 4NOTH3R, BUT TH3Y N33D 34CH OTH3R D34RLY, H3H3H3H3. John headed out of the museum and into another black room, saying “The John Egbert Parable.” To the center, there was an on/off switch, which John flipped, throwing everything into darkness. C4N YOU, H3H3, S33 1T, R34D3R? NO, 1 GU3SS NOT. SOM3 TH1NGS C4N’T B3 S33N, L1K3 3V3RYTH1NG, 1F YOU’R3 BL1ND L1K3 M3. 

The darkness disappears to reveal that John is back in the cage, heading to the crushers, desperate for release, not remembering anything about the museum. TH3 ONLY W4Y TO STOP, TH3 ONLY W4Y TO W1N, TO FR33 BOTH 3GB3RT 4ND K4K4T, 1S TO NOT R3ST4RT, TO NOT COM3 B4CK, TO NOT DO TH1S 4G41N--WH1CH L34V3S YOU, TH3 R34D3R, 1N CONTROL! STOP, S4V3 TH3M, DO NOT CONT1NU3, the crushers are right on top of John, about to crush him CLOS3 TH3 T4B B3FO 

**== >The Museum: Restart?/Continue?**

**THEENDISNEVERTHEENDISNEVERTHEENDISLOADING...NEVERTHEEND**


End file.
